The greatest problem affecting the world right now is the build up of cellulite and loose skin around my midsection area — my belly and my back belly area specifically — which can only really be properly and resolutely treated with the use of "VenusConcept Octipolar Polar" technology to blast my fat into oblivion.

This is a problem we all face, people. Let’s work this out.

I’m talking Pulsed Electro Magnetic Fields (PEMFs) to promote angiogenesis and induce fibroblast proliferation, resulting in increased collagen synthesis. That’s what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about “body shaping”. I’m talking about a magic machine. This machine.

'Meep mo meep.’

Kind of looks like a friend to some small child in the '80s. But instead of teaching some struggling kid about "being yourself" and helping them deliver comeuppance to school bullies, this one helps you achieve that slim and sleek physique you know you deserve, with no effort on your part.

So…Wait, What?

"The most versatile multi-treatment platform that provides the most popular, non-invasive aesthetic procedures, including photorejuvenation/photofacial, acne treatment, hair removal, skin resurfacing, body contouring, cellulite reduction, skin tightening, and wrinkle reduction. Venus Versa offers three unique technologies: Intense Pulsed Light (IPL) with SmartPulse™, NanoFractional Radio Frequency with SmartScan™, and Venus Concept's proprietary (MP)2 technology (Multi-Polar Radio Frequency + Pulsed Electro Magnetic Fields).”


The Dragonfly Spa in the Kerry Center has this machine that blasts your grotesque fat ass into shape. It uses “multi-polar radio frequency” technology and electro magnetic pulses — AKA the main weapon Zion uses against the Machines in The Matrix — to shrink fat cells, tighten skin, and reduce wrinkles. It’s called “body shaping”.

Yep. On board for THAT whole thing.

It’s been around for a minute in Western spas as a non-invasive medical procedure to eradicate cellulite and loose, droopy skin — the stuff no amount of dieting and gym workouts can fix. (I don’t recommend either of those things. Medically speaking.) It’s lately become popular in a few Shanghai spas around town as the technology has made it to the PRC.

So What Happens...

K, so, you tell your work you can’t make it in today because blahblahblah. Then you go to the Kerry Center Dragonfly spa and say, “hook me UP to your magic machine I want you to blast me to my core. I want you to sandblast my SOUL.”

And then they give you the options of which of your problem areas you’d like to address. Here's what they offer. My problem area is the years 1982 to 2017 but that wasn’t on the menu. Alas.

I choose "Abdomen". Could use the other areas as well but Rome wasn't built in a day. (Rome was built with several electromagnetic pulse treatments over the course of several decades.)

So yeah. This thing blasts your cellulite and tightens your skin. For no small amount of money. Evidently, the procedure is popular among fashion models who have to blast a few valuable centimeters off their whatevers before that big photo shoot or runway show. That's what they tell me anyways. I’ve always been lucky in that I believe everything everyone tells me so, I believe that. Sounds legit.

Specifically, What Happens

So then they take you to one of their lovely soothingly beige Dragonfly spa rooms and tell you to get down to your underwear. Then a very clinical person in a clinical white jacket comes in and tape measures your problem area. Like getting a suit fitted. Like getting a new body fitted. Then they rub some goo on your problem area(s) and fire up the machine. It goes hummmmmmm. It's applied like a standard electric vibrating massage thing with some Nicola Tesla shit on the end. I guess my abdomen fat spans the other side of my body on my back and then up around my shoulders. What can I say...talented, I guess.

I got an hour's worth.

Can You Show Me Some Science

Yes. Yes I can.

Aaaaaand you're welcome. But yeah more science-y stuff on the machine manufacturer's website right here.

Did It Hurt?

Nah. But it wasn't a massage really either. It just felt like I was being rubbed with heated metal. And you can feel it doing something below the top layers of your skin. It's a sensation for sure.

Did It Work or What...

See for yourself. Here's a before and after.




Can you see the difference? I can't really tell but people have been coming up to me and telling me I look different somehow. Hmmm.

Actually, they measured me afterwards and recorded my results.

Lost four centimeters! Or maybe four centimeters of cellulite was more evenly displacement and spread out under the top layers of my man-flesh. Still. Pretty good!

But then I went to Carl's Jr's right after and it all went to shit. But that's a story for another time, my friends.





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